Star Trek: Generations (The Movie)

 (spoilers)

“Oh my…”  -the last words of James T. Kirk 

I only watched this movie because I went into the videocassette cabinet to look for Seabiscuit and I came out with this. It’s one of those weird days where nothing comes out right.

Some context is needed before I start this. My mom is a trekkie, my roommate from my freshman year is a trekkie: my knowledge of Star Trek revolves around their commentary, the two J. J. Abrams movies, and me falling asleep to every episode my mom tries to make me watch.

And let’s be honest: I didn’t really follow this movie. I texted a friend and browsed through awful fan fiction to avoid actually watching it, it was cheesy and poorly written and there was no hook in the first fifteen minutes to keep me watching it. (Which tends to be a thing with most Star Trek movies with me, this is the third attempt at watching one that dates B.J.J.) It was the actors that kept me going. Whoopi Goldberg, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, and Malcolm McDowell were the only thing interesting, so I gave it another fifteen minutes before I’d turn it off.

Two failed attempts of reading awful Twilight fan fiction later: the droid, Data, got the emotion chip, developed a terrible sense of humor (terrible in the sense that I wanted to throw things into the screen and then smother myself with a pillow), and some really, really ugly Klingons came into the picture. Like, bad in the sense of firing the make-up artist, bad. However, the situation made up for itself when the two officers (both female) gag at the sight of the human doctor on the Enterprise (a pretty female officer) for her bad-looks.

(Gagging noises.)

Ok, this movie now had the possibility of being a bad-good movie. After the droid passes out from laughing too hard it becomes a blur of ‘I don’t care anymore’ nonsense until Patrick Stewart fights Malcolm McDowell. That’s something that I have to watch, like a fucking train wreck of a movie this is. And all of a sudden, the missile goes off, the sun blows up (and there was some awful physics bloopers there that I won’t get into), and then everything blows up. Like, everything, everything.

Woah, woah, ok, this is fucking cool!

Unfortunately, there is a caveat, they don’t die, and they’re just sucked into an alternate plane. I found myself disappointed. Alas, there was only ten minutes left of the movie so I decided to stick it through.

Patrick, Jean Piccard or whatever, finds himself with his dream family, a mid nineteenth century family that give their children 1990’s toys for Christmas. Weird taste, if you ask me, but who am I to judge? I read fan fiction, Piccard probably reads Tolstoy or some other contemporary Russian literature. You know what? I take that back, he probably sticks to British lit. Anyway, he probably has a “finer” taste than me, whatever.

Anyway, after some things happen on horses and an argument with Shatner, James Kirk, Piccard convinces Kirk to help him out to go back in time to stop McDowell, I can’t even remember his name now, from fucking everything up in the first place. So that happens, Kirk dies, and Piccard saves the day once McDowell blows up. Big whoop.

Starfleet Captains don't really belong on horses, but who am I to say that?

Anyway, the movie ends on a sentimental note when the droid decides to keep the emotion chip. He finds his cat alive in the wreckage of the ship, Spot (who doesn’t have a single spot, maybe that’s a need to know thing), and cries because he’s so happy. “I think my chip is malfunctioning, I am crying, but I am so happy.”

Aw. Who can’t love that? A droid who’s cuddling with his cat, crying in happiness of finding it, it is the highlight of the entire movie, if you ask me.

All right, overall it’s an awful movie, but it certainly has its moments. I don’t recommend watching it unless you’re actually a trekkie or if you’re intoxicated.  Actually, probably being both is the best. It had undertones of moral lessons and conflicts presented by the human condition, as all Star Trek stories do, but these aren’t worth watching the whole movie for. Seriously, not worth the  money my mom spent at Good Will for the tape, but she likes it, so I guess that’s all that matters in my case.